One of the best ideas...

Last weekend I fulfilled one of my goals for the year by going to the Power of Mom's retreat in Park City.  It was such a wonderful way to help me refuel and become more motivated as a mom.  I really cannot say enough good about the experience.  The one "not so positive" thing I might say is that so much of what I came home with was kind of common sense stuff... all of which I'd never put all together into conscious thought.  So that made me feel a little foolish.  But only like 1%...

So one of the best things I came home with was a new way of looking at to do lists.  I NEED to use them more because it just helps keep my mind organized and focused on what needs to be done.  I'm not big on writing down every tiny thing I accomplish each day (I know, I'm weird...), but I do write the non-daily tasks that need attention.

Now let me break it down... this new system I'm embracing.  This idea was introduced by Richard Eyre, a funny, brilliant author of so many parenting books.  We were at his beautiful home for the retreat.

You start out by choosing three "choose to do" items before ever writing the "have to do's".  Each of those "choose to do's" fall into one of these categories; personal, family, work.  Sometimes it could be something unnecessary like painting my nails and sometimes it could be a job that really needs to get done but I'm choosing to put it before other things on my priority list.  

After that, the "to-do's" get listed on the left side of the page and you make another column on the right for "serendipity moments."  Richard had a lot to say about the serendipity moments that probably puts it in an even better perspective, but you'll see how it pays off by the end of the day and the end of the week.  Simply put, the serendipity moments are the things that occur throughout the day that you weren't planning for but they enriched a moment of your day.  Sometimes they will be interrupters of your "schedule" that end up putting a positive twist on your day.  Other times it might just be a little moment of joy that you discover amidst all of the things you had to do.

Really, the whole point of this, to me, is to let my to do list be a part of my life with my kids rather than my kids being a part of my to do list.  I set a goal to do this for a week with the intention to look back on my week and see all the tasks (at least 21 of them) that I chose to accomplish and also to see the countless amounts of joyful serendipity moments that occurred during the week.  Seeing those things add up really ought to improve my outlook at life, right?

So here's a glimpse at day one.

As you can see, it was a simple day as far as to do lists go.  I had worked the night before and knew I wasn't going to have the energy to save the world or anything like that, but I had a few things that really needed to happen so I wrote them down.  And as I mentioned before, plenty of household tasks did get done I just didn't write them all down.  Being totally honest, I only did two of the three "choose to" items, but that's ok with me.  I took a nap instead of doing item number one.  And that was the "personal" item so I felt like swapping it for a nap was beneficial to the entire household.

My favorite part at the end of the day was the chance to reflect on the lovely parts of my day.  First off, I resolved to stay unstressed while we got ready for school and we got up late (totally my fault) so I just jumped in and put Marshall's shoes on him while he ate breakfast.  It was a tiny gesture towards my kiddo that I cared about him enough to help him.  Strangely, he begs me to put his shoes on for him multiple times a week.  I think he gets overwhelmed sometimes by being older and more responsible and it's one of the only ways I can do something FOR him.  It caused me to reflect though, that I really could do better at serving him and helping him feel loved.  It's hard to be responsible and he's trying to balance that right now, so I'm going to do better at being there for him in moments I can serve.  The next two things were little things that enriched my day and I was grateful I could look up from planting tomatoes to visit with the neighbor and that I could break from my regular schedule to enjoy the company of friends at the park.  The fourth thing on my list was a special little moment I am sure to forget if I hadn't written it down.  And who knows... I may still forget it someday, but at least now it's been documented.  I was finishing with my planting and weed pulling when Macy joined me in the garden, picked up a trowel, and sat down and started "digging."  She would just scoop up a little dirt and let it drop, over and over again.  The best part though, was she was just singing to herself in her cute, little, wordless voice.  It was something I hope my heart remembers forever.  She was just having the greatest time and I got to see it.  So special!  Lastly, Marshall was resisting doing his chores so instead of losing my cool I invited him to walk and check the mail with me.  I figured maybe we could chat while we walked and he might catch on to the idea... sure enough, it worked!  He felt more relaxed and contributed to the conversation and we got home ready to get all of the chores done in record time.  When he was headed to bed he told me, "Mom... I really liked walking with you today.  And I never got disappointed ALL DAY!"  After asking a question or two, it was apparent that a little calm conversation while on a walk dispersed his frustration with chores and he never lost his cool.  He noticed that he went the whole day without losing it and we all went to bed much happier than other days can sometimes end.  After looking at what I've written, I realize that I even have another thing to mention on the serendipity list.  The time I spent in the garden would typically have been when I would have been at the gym.  And I LOVE my time at the gym, so it really never makes the to do list because it's just the way I live.  But while in the garden I got two great additions to my day.  How nice to sit back and be thankful for the day I had.  And it was a Monday even!

I'm loving this approach to the things I need to accomplish and I hope I can make it a habit and a more permanent way of thinking.

Tyler Heads Back To School

Oh, my Tyler.  I sure love you.  I just had to say that first...

School has started and you're so happy about it.  You've been looking forward to going to "Miss Gwen's" preschool for the last couple of years since Marshall went there for the first time.  You learned so so so much with Miss Lorilee last year that I was sad to switch things up, but I feel it is important for you kids to have many opportunities and make tons of friends so the change of environment was important to me.  So I'm glad you're happy about the change instead of sad.  These pictures are from your first day of school right before we walked over to Miss Gwen's house.

Welcoming a baby to our family has been a funny transition for you, I think, but you've done wonderfully.  Sometimes I notice you like to behave a little bit like a baby for whatever reason, but you've also figured out how to be such a big boy.  Your emotions are much more near the surface and you like to talk in your own little language.  I don't think it's really baby talk though, it seems to be more like one more way for you to be a silly goose!  You're also very good at conversation.  You use phrases that surprise me because they make you seem so mature.  You have a cute little stutter sometimes when you get excited about things and the words just won't come out all at once.  I need to get that on video... I really love listening to you just talk and talk.

Your biggest step in your independence has to be the way you get yourself food.  You're determined to pour your own cereal and milk (you just do it before even asking that way I don't take over) and have recently become very fond of Nutella sandwiches and make them yourself as well.  You're also good to put everything away which is impressive.  I'm proud of you for being such a go getter.  Keep that up!

You have a gift to be content with alone time.  You're rarely phased about Marshall being at school all day leaving you without a playmate.  It doesn't take much on my part to keep you entertained because your imagination is so great and you can have fun with whatever is around.  Even though you seem to be an introvert, you are also the friendliest little boy.  I love that about you!!  It isn't hard for you to reach out to others and make them feel at ease.  You just turn on your silly and have fun.  And MAN are you silly.  You're also so thoughtful towards me and I adore that.  You're sweet and silly and pretty wild... everything a perfect little boy should be.

I love you, mister. 

God Bless This Great Nation

I love this time of year... it's great to reflect on the blessing it is to live where we do.  It makes me sad to see and hear so many things that make our country less than it used to be, but over all, we are very blessed and I'm grateful for it.  

Obviously, the thing I'm most thankful for in life is my family... these sweet kids of mine.  There are a lot of things I could do without in life, even though I wouldn't want to.  I've wondered a time or two if our family would ever find themselves without the freedoms we enjoy now and I've decided if that was how it had to be, we could survive.  But I would never want to make due without my kiddos.  

I'm often reminded of what a daunting task I have ahead of me to teach and guide them so they grow up to be intelligent, caring, unselfish adults.  When I think of the issues in government or society in general, I worry even more.  But if nothing else I will try my best to teach them the value of a free country that was founded on the concept of liberty and faith in God.  Here are a few quotes on the matter that spoke to me and a few pictures of my darling children.

"The heart of patriotism lies in attitudes that are rooted in family relationships, for the family unit undergoes most of the stresses which test the larger societies that make up a nation.  The qualities that distinguish patriotism are all of the "homely" variety: respect, integrity, loyalty, self-sacrifice, considerations, fairness, appreciation, and devotion.  No exhortation to respect his country's flag can mean much to the youngster whose casual, permissive upbringing has left him with little respect for anything.  And the child who equates freedom with indulgence may never understand the consideration for others that is fundamental to a workable democracy."

-Robert K. Thomas & Shirley Wilkes Thomas
(you can find the entire article here)

"Freedom is not something that anybody can be given.  Freedom is something people take, and people are as free as they want to be."

-James Baldwin

 "What light is to the eyes, what air is to the lungs, what love is to the heart, liberty is to the soul of men."

-Robert Green Ingersoll

"Children should be educated and instructed in the principles of freedom."

-John Adams

"Someday, the realm of liberty and justice will encompass the planet.  Freedom is not just the birthright of the few, it is the God-given right of all His children, in every country.  It won't come by conquest.  It will come, because freedom is right and freedom works.  It will come, because cooperation and good will among free people will carry the day."

-Ronald Reagan

God bless the USA and God bless these little ones.  Our future needs them to be strong and bright.

Epiphany

The other day I was lying in a yoga class enjoying a small moment of peace.  The instructor was giving us some words of encouragement because we had done some challenging things in class that day.  As she was talking she mentioned that "repetition builds stability" and it really spoke to me.  I had my eyes closed as I tried to really process the concept and tears started sneaking down my cheeks!!!  It was just what I had been needing to hear all week long.

The past week I had begun to feel the pressures of the world resting heavily on my shoulders.  This was the first time I had really felt like I could relate to this idea that many other women feel overwhelmed by.  You know... "I have to be pretty.  I have to be thin.  I have to be organized.  I have to be patient.  I have to be smart.  Blah, blah, blah."  It hit me when I was in the middle of a busy morning... the dishes weren't completely done, neither was the laundry, or any other household chore.  Everything was either started or at a tolerable point in the process for me to stop and go on with the next thing I needed to do.  (These kinds of tasks are always interrupted by the needs of one or all of my children and sometimes by other important things too.  I've had a lot of photography work the last few weeks so I was now juggling that as well.)  On this chaotic morning we were running behind in our morning routine because Macy was awake during the whole thing which is rare and just slowed us down a little bit.    I didn't get Marshall's lunch made but promised I would bring it when I came to help in his class.  As the kids are piling into the van I find that the battery was dead for one reason or another so I holler for everyone to jump out so we can climb into the truck.  Those added minutes were not what I was hoping for at this point in our routine, but what do you do?  As I grab the truck keys off the shelf I realize there's a good chance I'm going to have to check Marshall into school late and I was running around in my nightgown (granny style!).  I kind of take a couple steps toward the truck then a couple steps to the house, back and forth, debating whether I should run in and change my clothes or just get in the truck and hope we make it just in the nick of time.  I decided that Marshall would surely be late if I changed so we would chance it.  The truck is pretty tall so I find myself having to lift the boys in as plenty of cars are driving past my house catching me in such a glamorous moment still looking like a crazy old nightgown lady.  Oh well.  Thankfully, we made it to school in time for Marshall to jump out and get into school before he was "late."  Phew!  But this was all just a little more chaotic than a normal morning.  On top of all this, I'm pretty sure Tyler was in a mood, but I can't remember specifics anymore.  All I remember is it wasn't even 9 in the morning and I wanted to crawl back in bed and just wake up the next day ready to be kind and patient and in control of life a little better.

My awareness of being overwhelmed really hit me about an hour later when I was at least ten minutes late to help in Marshall's class (exactly after realizing I had forgotten Marshall's lunch on the kitchen table).  As I drove I thought to myself, "I can help in my kids' school.  I can make sure my kids feel loved.  I can blog and catch up on my blog, so our life can be journaled.  I can show my YW they are important to me by being there and fulfilling my calling.  I can spend time with my husband.  I can cook meals from scratch.  I can have the kitchen, and family room, and bathrooms cleaned.  I can visit and help my neighbors that are in need.  I can wash and fold the laundry in an reasonable time frame.  I can be healthy.  I can exercise.  I can get back to my pre-baby weight.  I can improve my skills in the garden.  I can earn a little extra money by building my photography business.  I can help my clients feel beautiful and important.  I can impress them by completing their sessions much faster than I promised.  I can read and become more enlightened.  I can listen to the talks from General Conference another time to glean more from the words of God's servants.  I could do 1,000 other things that I do regularly on a daily basis.  But I cannot do it all right now.  I'm drowning in my "have to do's" and losing my mind from lack of "like to do's" and I need to slow down and prioritize."  It was helpful to acknowledge I don't have to do it all, but almost paralyzing to realize the daily routine of things I need to accomplish just to exist in peace in my home... the things the I do over and over and over again... were inching their way closer and closer to suffocating me emotionally.

And this is why I was crying in yoga.

It became so vibrantly clear that by washing those dishes every day, by keeping up with the laundry, and making beds, and scrubbing toilets, and giving haircuts, and all those other chores I do again and again, I was creating a feeling of stability for my children, my husband, and myself.  I was creating a sanctuary from the world within our home and I would be able to feel the peace inside myself that I felt was being swallowed up by these very tasks.  I resolved right then to find joy in these chores and allow the repetition to build stability.  Peace.  Joy.

I made this resolution on Friday and pretty much abandoned all of my duties in order to celebrate Marshall's birthday, shoot a wedding, and fulfill my church calling, but I figure the repetition of picking up the pieces and starting over is going to be good for me too.  So here's to doing a little better.

Balance.

I feel bad that this is what is breaking me out of my blogging rut.  I'm about to unload weeks of blah blah blah in an effort to journal a little bit.  I have plenty of regular blogging to get done... and I've tried a time or two from my phone but that just doesn't work for me.  So now I'm resolved to get serious again before the craziness of spring hits which is always followed by a more hectic summer which then blends into the busy holidays and before you know it we're back to this tiny lull of the year.

Today I've been overwhelmed by introspection.  Even though some of it may sound like I'm really down on myself, I promise that's not what is happening.  I have just become extremely aware of this juggling act that we call motherhood.

I've never considered myself to be the prime example of motherhood, there is a list a mile long of things I could improve on, but I've always been fairly satisfied with my "performance" as a mother.  --I almost chose a different word because I really hate when mommy-hood takes on the task of performing... doing all those things you want other moms to notice you doing... always having the right answers to every choice and situation that comes up... never to be caught in grubby clothes or without make up or with third day hair... and always within a few pounds of your high school weight.--  I was once able to keep every detail of life straight without a planner or countless notes around the kitchen.  I just knew when I had appointments, commitments, special events at the kids' school and almost always knew what day of the week it was when I woke up.  Notice I clarified with almost, we all have those pesky Thursdays that pop up out of nowhere.  It was plain in my memory when Marshall was supposed to bring a snack to school or when he got to wear special clothes for certain events.  I even was early to pick him up 95% of the time.

Well, the journey to finding balance has been quite a companion lately.  One day last week I was so late to pick Marshall up that he was the last kid in class to go home.  That's not the worst of it though.  It seems like since Christmas, Tyler has been the last kid to leave school more often than not!  What the heck?!  I lost Ty's school calendar and now have no idea what silly things are going on to celebrate Dr. Seuss's birthday.  Not like it would help though... Marshall came home with a note last Thursday telling about a fun thing he would have a chance to do the next day and sure enough, school on Friday was almost out when I remembered what he was supposed to take with him.  Darn it!  I felt like such a bad mommy.

But don't you worry, I haven't gotten too down on myself because for the first time in my life the baby stage actually feels natural to me.  I can change a diaper on my lap, I can eat at the same time as holding a child, I was even feeding Macy while eating my dinner as I served the boys their food all at the same time as preparing to leave to my sewing class.  Of course, that was all possible because of the world's best nursing cover I found on Pinterest.  Anyway... I truly feel like I've got the hang of this baby stuff and that having another wouldn't be impossible for me someday.  Balance is coming.  But don't you worry... that all got pulled into check today as I was sitting with Tyler in the food court of Costco after having a "bad mom moment" in public, feeling slightly self conscious of all those watching around me, when I found myself dealing with a major poopy blowout that was all over Macy and myself.  It was a humbling experience as I juggled all of the mess while trying to appear calm.  And wouldn't you know it, I was halfway home when I realized I still had baby poop on my hand.  Wow.  I've got this mom thing in the bag!  Not.

That's not what I want to remember about all of this though.  What I want to remember is that I am good at some things and not so good at others.  I have good days and bad days.  There are times where I literally feel like I'm spiraling out of control and others where I feel like I am a living, breathing example of grace under fire.  That I usually make it into Marshall's classroom once a week to be helpful and that there are also days I have to tell him for the umpteenth time that I'm sorry I can't make it at lunch time to be a helper because there is just no way I can that day.  That Tyler plays the iPad way too much, but that I also let him choose pizza for lunch today and we went on our own little date to Costco and he even paid for the meal.

I'm learning how to do this Mom thing and I do my best to apologize to my kids when I goof.  I want to be better and I have learned to say no a lot more than I used to.  I'm getting there... balance is coming.  And I also understand that balance will probably always be a little out of reach, but bottom line is my kids are pretty well taken care of.  They don't go hungry, they have clothes on their back that are almost always clean, and they know they are loved.  I still think this insanity is my dream job and I'm grateful for the hard stuff as much as I love the lovely stuff.

Growing Girl

These pictures were taken when Macy was one week and one day old.  Since day one, when she is awake she is wide eyed and alert.  She has the cutest face when she it taking in the world.

I'll need to adopt a paparazzi mentality again soon in order to catch her three week old expression while observing the world around her.  It's still so sweet, but it has also taken a dainty kind of quality that I love.  

And yes!  She is three weeks old now.  At her check up last week she weighed in at 10 lb. 7 oz. and grew a whole inch and a half, putting her at 22 inches now.  I may have almost cried as I asked Heavenly Father yesterday why they couldn't stay small just a little longer.  They have their whole lives to be grown...  She has a whole basket of clothes she will never wear!  Mostly a lot of short sleeved onsies being neglected on account of the weather, but still! Why can't they just be tiny a little longer?

Macy has had us completely enchanted, but there is one thing missing.  She doesn't have that "newborn cry!"  You know that one that melts your heart and part of you never wants that cry to go away?  She doesn't cry like that.  She'll start with a soft, whiney sound and if that doesn't get your attention she will go straight to yelling!  She's a lot like Newborn Marshall in that respect... oh, so sweet but sort of demanding.

The Good Kind of Tears

Saturday I cried a lot of useless tears.  

I cried because I woke up still pregnant.  

I cried because I sat down on the couch with my family and couldn't get comfortable.  

I cried because I had to go to the bathroom.  

Just a lot of crying over nothing.

Tonight I sit here with so much to be grateful for... and I'm grateful to have something great to shed some tears over. 

I was just sitting there, holding my sweet, new, little baby girl.  

As I held her and marveled at her innocent perfection, 

I looked up at my boys that were giggling along with their awesome daddy as they watched Madagascar 3.  

I was overwhelmed by the reality that this is my life.  

My three sweet children, my forever best friend... my whole world that I get to be blessed with forever.  I was overcome by gratitude that this is my life.  

And then I cried.  Just a little, but they were the tears I like to shed.

Let me have a moment...

I'm still wishy-washy on the baby name topic.  So today I start thinking I am settled on a name... and instead of just being content I decide to Google it.  (Hindsight=dumb.)

Everything I read is making me more annoyed with the world... I still like the name, but intentional "creative" spellings and odd reviews from gals with the name are putting a bad taste in my mouth.  Oh, and how many people I have now learned about that use it as a dog's name.  I realize I can't let the pet name trend ruin it for me, but come on!  I needed something to encourage me, not muddy the waters.  From now on I will avoid Google on big decisions.  :)

And another thing.

Who makes up the meanings for names anyway?  Some I can completely understand how their name actually holds a meaning.  Especially when you see the same "definition" in every place you look.  And then there is the "one in fifty" definitions- in fifty sources you find the same general information except for that one here and there that throws in a new interpretation.  This name I think I like has one of those... which I normally would balk at and move on because the meaning seems basically made up.  But I like this one.  And it may be the only thing that keeps it in high standing with me today (after having read all the nonsense google thought I wanted to read).  

.enduring; happy and upbeat.

But seriously, I think I might just make up my own answers when my kids come home from school with the assignment to find out what their name means, because I'm pretty sure somebody at that random google result website just did it.

It's been a while, and we miss him.

This photo was a little gem I found on our cute cousin Paisley's blog.  That's two year old Marshall playing with Grandpa's nose... you can see my lap in the background and the blanket that was wrapped around baby Tyler as we sat there hanging out with one of the greatest men I've ever known.  Paisley wrote the sweetest tribute to Grandpa and posted some other great pictures along with this treasure.  It's worth the read...  

Grandpa Stratton has been on my mind a lot lately, especially today which marks two years since he passed away.  I had a good cry over it a little earlier as Tyler watched... bewildered... probably confused why I would be sitting there crying my eyes out when I tell him fifty times a day to try not to cry... haha.

Then tonight I really wanted to sit down with Marshall and read some of the sweet thoughts and feelings that have been shared on this blog since Grandpa died.  Marshall, at three years old, had some of the sweetest thoughts about Grandpa during that time of mourning, and he still mentions -probably once a week- how he misses Great Grandpa Stratton.  But tonight was far too busy for that, and Marshall probably didn't need to be traumatized by all the emotion that would come spilling out of me while reminiscing... so I settled for quietly mentioning how much I loved Grandpa and how I've missed him since he died, since today (two years ago) was the day he left us for his mission in Heaven.  Marshall always gets really tender when we talk about Grandpa and he agreed with me that he missed him too and commented on how it looked like I was going to cry... which I did a little bit.

A little while later, while tucking Marshall into bed I got to hear what Marshall had to say about this great man.  He got a bit choked up as he told me he thought Grandpa was so great and that he hoped he was safe in Heaven.  Of course, I assured him that was true and listened to, or more felt, Marshall's feelings.  Marshall told me he is even glad we got the chance to go and see Grandpa's body after he had died (we had a sweet, special family viewing at the mortuary that I wonder if Marshall will always remember it).  He looks forward to the day he will be able to see Grandpa again.  And I do too.  I loved him so much in the few years I was able to know him and as time passes since he died I am surprised by how much more I miss and love him all the time.  I'm so grateful for the tender mercies I've experienced as I've been reminded how much I am/was loved by him.  I had an experience back in January that I really need to write down (that may be too special to my heart to share on the internet...) so I can always remember his special love for me and the power of his great big, bear hugs.  

I'm very grateful for this good man and the family I am a part of that is so great, definitely with much credit to him.

First Steps

We headed off to "back to school night" tonight.

Our first one of those...

Each teacher was announced by name and the kids followed their new best friend to their classroom.  Parents got to go along, but were soon expected to meet back in the multi purpose room for all the "boring stuff."  Marshall's teacher, Ms. Karen-Jane, welcomed them into the room and pulled out her guitar.  She had them wave goodbye to us and then had them all to herself.

It was a weird moment for me...

After the parents' meeting we were welcomed to go back to our kids' classrooms and visit with their teacher and ask any questions we might have had.  I sat down to fill out the little emergency contact form and kept having to ask questions and reorient myself with what was going on.  I truly felt like I was not old enough to be in my own shoes... I was not anywhere near grown up enough to be the parent filling out those forms... it was such a bizarre feeling.  I thought it was strange that these forms were freaking me out when all of the registration stuff I did months ago didn't really phase me at all.  I sat and talked to my friend whose little boy is also in that class and we helped each other through our crazy emotions.

I am positive it will be different on the first day of school, but I didn't even come close to crying.  I did have a "moment" though.  As I sat there filling out the papers, I literally felt like the whole world was just spinning around me and I couldn't stop it and had no idea how to get a handle on it.  My boy... my little boy... was about to start school.  He is about to do all kinds of things he's never really done before but will be doing over and over for years to come.  It was just so surreal.  

It dawned on me after a bit... my world is about to be turned upside down and I am going to be turning a new leaf.  I'd never thought about that before.  I knew Marshall was growing by leaps and bounds, but I was nowhere near aware that I am also taking some pretty big first steps into the rest of life.  

And I'm not sure how I feel about it.

On my mind...

I'm a supremely lucky gal.  I just gotta say that first.  

A couple weeks ago I was in the middle of the biggest breakdown of my life... holy dramatic breakdown... and this wonderful man carried me right through it.  I love the way he is so sweet and so honest all in one.  I've shared his thoughts about me and my struggles with a friend or two and every once in a while I get a raised eyebrow or two, but honestly he always knows just what to say and even when it seems like it might be harsh that's usually the moment I can laugh through whatever the problem is and see everything a little more clearly.  I love him for that.  Now of course, don't you go thinking he says rude things all the time.  It's never rude... always just what needs to be heard.  And it makes me smile.  I'm so grateful.

He's the rad one that I have to thank for some of my favorite photos that have ever been taken of me.  Do you love these as much as I do?  If not, you better lie.  Remember how hormonal I am?  :)

I just remembered how Colby saved the day when I was having a little meltdown our last day of vacation and he took me shopping, gave his opinion on a ga-billion dresses, and then he surprised me with this one.  He seriously is the best.

So maybe I'll get to the point of this post... what's been on my mind lately.

This child needs a name.  

I'm not desperate to have her named this second because even if it was decided I probably wouldn't be ready to share it with the world.  I have this irrational need to have an escape route in case I change my mind at the last minute.  For the last five years we thought we had our girls' names pretty much decided.  First there would be Roxy and then Mercedes.  I had learned while I was pregnant with Marshall that Eliza R. Snow's middle name was Rocxy and I thought she was a great woman to be named after (intelligent, strong, beautiful) but we would give it a more contemporary spelling.  Once we knew we were having a girl I started getting cold feet about the name Roxy.  Colby reassured me that I could choose whatever this daughter would be called, but our next daughter would be named Mercedes... no question.  "So what if we only had one daughter," I asked... and he plainly declared we would just adopt.  Haha.  I'm glad life is so simple for my man.  

So now we've burned through a small list of names

-Brooke, Hannah, Holly, Jane, Roxy, Stella, Savannah- 

to name a few and I'm beginning to feel like we will make progress then eventually be back where we started from.  All because of me and my indecisiveness.  (FYI, not all of these mentioned names are off the table... but a couple of them have definitely been vetoed by the hubby.)

So how about you help me out?  :)

We want a timeless, feminine name that is highly unlikely to be pronounced or spelled wrong by others.  Also, I want it to be an obvious "girl name" so names that go both ways are off the table.

  I can't think of any other requirements... so let's hear it!

We do have one name that starts with M (besides Mercedes) that may be a winner, but I'm starting to worry that it is not an adult name.  That would also be a requirement... she must be able to be 40 years old and confidently state her name and not sound like a seven year old.  

That may be my biggest issue... I am extremely over-analyzing this.

Happy birthday, Tyler!

It is kind of unreal that Tyler is three!  He's the cutest little trouble maker there ever was.  It's his cuteness that keeps him out of a lot of trouble, really.  He is all about pushing limits and testing patience.  I guess this sounds like I'm complaining, which I'm not, I'm just writing it down so that hopefully someday I'll enjoy the reminder of what it was like when Tyler was a naughty little bugger.  Either that, or when he's a teenager and I'm on medication in order to survive those years, I can look back and laugh at how funny it used to be.  Haha.  I love this kid.

The most recent pics I have of just him are from my phone, so you really get to see this goofy kid in action.

I love to see how he is definitely an individual.  He gets along really well with his brother, but is still very different from him.  Tyler is such a home-body and really enjoys spending time inside rather than outside.  It usually only takes between 5-15 minutes before he is asking if we can go home yet... no matter where we are or where we are headed.  I think it's kind of cute.  He also is always disappearing when we're playing in the backyard.  He never disappears down the street or into a neighbors yard... he's always finding his way back into the house.  He'd much rather be hanging out inside regardless of the weather.  It's also really cool though, that as much as he would like to be at home and inside, he is still very social and loves being with other kids.

Some things that stick out to me about Tyler lately:

He loves whenever something can turn into a competition.  He's constantly yelling, "I won!" or "You can't beat me!"

Tyler's favorite food is still cereal, Frosted Flakes to be exact.  And he does NOT like to eat bread with stuff.  So sandwiches & hot dogs are always eaten "deconstructed."  He does like bread alone, like toast and such, but you better not put butter on it.  It's always jam toast NO butter.

He is the world's best backseat driver.  He's constantly pointing out what color the stop lights are and doesn't hesitate to inform us the second it changes.  The best is when we are a few cars back in a line stopped at a red light.  Once the light turns green he yells and yells at us to get going because it's now green!  Another funny thing he's still learning about is left hand turns.  Our light will be green so I start my turn and by the time I am through the intersection he's yelling at me that the light was really red and that I needed to stop (of course it's because he eventually notices the red light for the opposite direction of traffic that is indeed stopped).

He likes to ask questions about his surroundings; "Are we driving in the truck?" "Are we going on a big road?" "Are we going to the gym?  ... Not again!"

He has quite the skill of noticing the "Recycle" emblem that is on all kinds of things.  Every time he will ask, "What is this, Mom?"  Every time.

He's very good at pointing out when he is on his best behavior when the kids around him are not.

He is obsessed with the number 4 and the letters T and O.  He's really good at drawing T's (he got ahold of one of Daddy's Sharpie markers that was left in the yard and wrote his signature T all over our new cement and the garden cement) and is sure O goes at the end of his name.  Who knows how long it will take to convince him that is not the case.

I've noticed just lately that Tyler has an awareness of girlfriends.  I'm not sure if he's heard enough "older talk" and knows that boys love girls and it's a kind of special thing, or if he really just puts the two together and the girl that is his friend is his girlfriend.  It happened first when my young women from church had been over and one of them helped him with something.  He told me later that his girlfriend helped him with whatever it was and I was able to pin point the specific girl he was talking about.  Then the other day a girl at the gym was giving him a lot of attention and he referred to her as his girlfriend when we left.  Then just today he looked outside and saw a five year old girl (one of Marshall's friends) that was being babysat by our neighbor.  He jumped up and said, "Someone is here again!  My girlfriend!  My girlfriend is here!!!"  Like I said... who knows what he actually means by it, but it's kind of cute.

He likes to switch things up in order to make them funny.  He's always telling us rules are really the opposite (red light means go and green means stop) and things like that.  He also gets such a kick out of changing words to rhyme but sound ridiculous and nothing like the real thing.

His favorite shows to watch on Netflix are The Backyardigans, Dora, Diego, Wonder Pets, Super Why, and the Leapfrog Alphabet and Phonics videos.  Pretty much anything but Curious George (Marshall's TV show of choice).  

Disclaimer* these are all "educational" shows because the boys had "fighting movie" privileges taken away a while ago due to some aggressive behavior that we could not get a handle on.  It's been going on a few months now with only a few rare opportunities to watch the regular favorite Disney movies and such (how obnoxious that even Tangled, Toy Story, and Cars have so much fighting in them).  I have really enjoyed the change in material they are absorbing.  Also, the kids have had a lot more TV time since I got pregnant and SICK... can't wait for that to go away :)

Love you big time, Tyler Boy!  You're super cute and super fun to have in our family!

The Birthday Boy

Dear Marshall,

Happy birthday (yesterday)!  You are a dream come true!  You are the blessed one that made me a mommy.  I love the way you smiled so big when I told you that last night.  I'm so glad it was you that came to us to help us try to figure out this whole parenting thing.  You make the very best big brother and that makes me happiest of all.  You are a good example and always looking out for Tyler's feelings.  You've been so sweet these last few weeks (and months) looking forward to the new baby coming to our house.  I love it.  I love the times you make me smile because you're so much more grown up than I usually realize.  I love the times you make me laugh when you say something off the wall.  I even love the way you make my cry a little when you are just over-the-top sweet.  Do you remember telling me about the time you tucked Tyler into bed when I was feeling so sick and didn't make it into your room as soon as you guys were ready?  I was so proud of you at that moment for recognizing the way you could help those around you.  I was also extremely humbled to know that you are one of my very greatest helpers of all time.  Thanks for being you.

You have become quite a character lately.  You're always asking me to take your picture and coming up with the goofiest stuff.  I enjoy this immensely because it feels like its been a few years since you didn't mind me taking your picture.  You're full of all kinds of great wisdom too and it is too funny.  Like last night when I told you I couldn't wait to get home and go to bed and you told me that you didn't want to go to sleep because the longer you were awake the longer it would be your birthday.  Another good one was at church a couple weeks ago.  You looked at me after the sacrament was over and said, "Next week... maybe they could say, 'Heavenly Father.  Bless this pizza so we can think about God.'"  I just looked at you (I'm sure my eyes were wide) and asked if you thought we should have pieces of pizza instead of bread.  You figured that pizza and water would be good.  Oh, I just laughed and laughed.  I told all the girls in Young Womens and everyone at Grandma's house and then at Great Grandma's house.  I even put in your request to the Bishop to see what he thought of it.  You seem to really understand the purpose of things now too.  Another funny moment in church was when you suggested maybe they should install little hooks into the ceiling of the chapel (like we have over our front door for hanging paper bats at Halloween) and in the church they could hang pictures of Jesus so that we can all see them and remember to think about Jesus while we are in church... since that can sometimes be kind of hard.

You're getting very excited for Uncle Chase to come home from his mission and then our family trip to Hawaii.  Then soon after that you get to start Kindergarten!  You are so fun to watch as you anticipate all these milestones you've been counting on once you turned 5.  I can't believe it's already here.

I love you buddy.  I love everything about you!

Love, Mom

I suppose I ought to clarify...

My last post sure seemed "doom & gloom."  It wasn't meant to be that way at all.  I woke up in the middle of the night full of thoughts... trying to process all I had learned yesterday.  I couldn't go back to sleep for a couple hours and those words kept repeating in my head.  I figured maybe if I wrote them down my brain would settle a little bit and I could actually get some sleep.  I realize now that I probably ought to translate those incessant thoughts.

In regards to the actual blog post: the first line was all the stuff I learned from the blood work and visit with a hormone specialist (Shelly Kirk, here in St. George); the second line was what I felt about all of it; the third line was what prompted me to visit with Shelly and discover these things; and the fourth line was my overall feeling about everything combined.  Literal translation: I am blessed and am so thankful for the knowledge I now have about my body.  Blessings, blessings, blessings.

Now to explain the "science" of it all.  I'm sure there are some out there wondering why I would put this information out on the internet... and I do it because this blog is like a journal for me and I am fine with sharing if maybe someone, somewhere ends up being helped like I was.  My blood work showed low levels of vitamins B6 & D and low insulin.  It also showed extremely low levels of vitamin B12 and Progesterone as well as high bad cholesterol and low good cholesterol.  Basically all of these things I have my parents to thank for.  None of it has been brought on by my habits... more just genetics.  (I have gotten many great things from my parents... I will try not to complain about the genes they gave me.)

What does all of that mean?  Basically, it pointed to a minor case of PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and insulin-resistance (precursor to diabetes).  I feel blessed to know this because it started bringing answers to questions... some I didn't know I had.  I now feel armed to prevent the escalation of these issues and feel like I can take charge of my health in a way I didn't know I needed to.  Now I know I need to focus on eating in a way to level out my blood sugar and try my best to keep it level.  It also let me know that I have vitamin deficiencies that are contributing to my body not functioning like that of a normal female.

Like I said before... my case of PCOS is minor so I didn't realize I was "abnormal."  I actually just thought the things that weren't quite "by the book" for my body was just the way I was and nothing to be concerned about.  I have learned though... that there's no reason to be abnormal and there are things we can do to improve our situation... even if it comes down to the way we were made.

So as I've tried to make heads or tails of all this information (believe me... I read enough last night to make my head spin) I've concluded it is kind of like the question of "the chicken and the egg."  My issues of PCOS, insulin-resistance, and low progesterone are all linked and with the improvement of any one of them I may find improvement with all of them.  That makes me happy.  My mom asked me why at 25 I felt a need to seek out information about my seemingly healthy body.  I am a big believer in prevention and that there are ways to improve our body and its function without modern medicine.  That is not to say I don't believe in medicine.  I take Zyrtec for my seasonal allergies and Ibuprofen for muscle/joint pain.  I understand it's application in my life but don't feel like it is my go-to answer for my problems.

Most of all, I have been excited to find out why my weight has been stalled for a good year now despite hard work to change it.  I've been excited to find out why my two kids were born at the exact same time of the year.  I was also quite excited to find a list of fairly common signs of low progesterone that I thought were just "me."

So rest assured... I'm OK.  I'm really happy to know the things I know and look forward to seeing changes.  

Here's a picture to prove it:  I'm happy.

whoa.

sub-fertility. insulin resistance. PCOS. cholesterol. genetics.

recognition. information. empowerment. hope.

a well timed conversation with a friend.

blessings.

A Little Glimpse of ME

Tonight at Zumba we cooled down to this song.  It was not the first time I've heard it... another time at Zumba months ago we cooled down to it too.  I soooo love it.  And in it's own special way, I love what it means to me at the end of my workout.  I work pretty hard (I think) to stay healthy and don't always see the results I'm hoping for, but I realize I have to be my own champion... my own cheerleader... to keep my head up and keep trying.  It can be easy to talk myself out of a workout or into a junk food binge and I have decided I will not be self defeated.  So here's a little something to make any of you that are interested feel a little closer to me and what I think/feel inside.

P.S.  I chose the clip from The Ellen Show because I secretly want to dress more like Ellen herself.  I love her style.  And yes... I realize why it's so cool and chill... but I like it all the same and want a few more pieces in my wardrobe that are like hers.

A Good Read

I just read something so fantastic on one of my favorite blogs today.  

The post was very out of the ordinary in relationship to her normal topics... and I wanted to share.

Head on over to The Daybook, would ya?

This message means so much to me.

Thanks a million times to those that helped me make it what I wanted it to be.

Journal Moment

Haha.  Right before I started typing I realized I had all kinds of tidbits to share.  I thought a lot them would be quite relate-able too.  But now I can't remember much of anything.  I'll try to take some deep breaths and see if it all comes back to me.

Me as of Lately:  

I've been trying to cook more and it has worked really well.  I've been able to keep to our food budget much more easily and found a few new recipes that I really like.  It's a whole new way of life though... having to have my act together in the afternoon so I can get dinner made before the night gets away from us.  Tuesdays and Wednesdays are the hardest for me.  Tuesdays I have to have the kids fed and settled before 6:30ish so I can get them to the babysitter's in a good mood while I go to Young Women's.  Wednesdays I have to think even more ahead because we usually are at playgroup from 3:15 to about 5, which is smack dab in the middle of my prime dinner prep time.  It's pretty sad that I've been married well over 5 years and I'm just now getting the hang of this part of it.  Even worse is that I've been working in the home (being a Mommy is the best job in the world!!!) for almost 4 years and you'd think that would be one of the first skills mastered.  I thought I was doing fine because I have always been able to cook, but apparently you don't have a grip on your job description of Stay At Home Mom if you're not cooking every night.  Not to mention before 8pm.  Now this latest effort has resulted in another...um... I'm not sure whether to call it a hobby, vice, or plain old slow and painful death- my baking.

I have been baking cookies a lot lately and played around with a couple peanut butter oatmeal chocolate chip cookie recipes.  I ended up liking one so much that I made another batch (within a few days).  While in the middle of making those I realized swapping Nutella (chocolate hazelnut spread) for peanut butter could result in a new favorite cookie recipe.  So now I've been trying to find my favorite Nutella cookie recipe.  I've tried a couple and plan to tweak each of them and see if I can't create the perfect recipe.  Now I know I could just search online for a second or two and probably find one, but I've gotten it into my head that I want develop it myself.  This could be because of Marshall's sweet, naive comments that I am the best chef in the world!  I'm pretty sure that a chef would leave Google to the novice housewife and take matters into their own hands.  So here I try.  And in the meantime... a spare tire.

That's right.  I'm talking about my middle.  Last spring I made great strides in my diet and exercise routine and really felt like if I just continued in that trend I'd be happier with my body than I had been in a LONG time.  And on top of that I was training for the marathon so I figured I was pretty much unstoppable.  Well, I was able to reach my goal weight by the middle of summer and just had a little more toning I wanted to achieve but my shinsplints had another plan for me so I didn't train for the race like I had wanted to and just toughed it out and ran on the big day.  (Which I don't regret!  Anyone can do it if I did it and I really enjoyed every bit of it.)  I also backed way off of my exercise routine in order to let my shins heal and got really out of the habit.  I also got out of the habit of watching what I ate.  Now here I am just 5 pounds heavier, but I know I've lost muscle and definitely gained some extra insulation.

Colby and I were discussing the possibilities of why my stomach seemed to grab all the extra sugar, carbs, and calories I've been eating and we've come up with some interesting theories.  As it turns out, my stomach has been sharing with my butt and thighs too... but here are the theories.

   1.  I've just been putting on my winter coat.

   2.  My body has previously had a cycle of pregnancy every other winter and it must be trying to compensate for the lack of "productivity."

   3.  Possibly it could be sympathy weight for my pregnant friends.

   4.  My comment years ago that "if you're a good cook no one thinks anything of your size" is catching up to me.  (I seriously figured that I could be as lovable as Paula Deen or Ina Garten if I could just figure out how to cook like them.)

Either way, and notice there is not an option 5 with a much more realistic reason like unbalanced overeating with a disgusting lack of excercise, I am looking forward to my clothes fitting the way I know they should.  I'm also looking forward to my Spanx fitting me again, haha, or perhaps maybe even throwing them out all together.  For the first couple of months I would see the number slowly increase and I'd think it was no problem because I still was looking the same.  But these last couple of months the rose colored glasses have come off and I've seen undeniable evidence that I need to get back in shape.  I've actually been really happy with myself that I've kept it to these five pounds because there have been times that I've fluctuated 3-5 pounds in a matter of days but have recently just seen a steady, gradual change.  I am now devoting myself back to myself and see if I can't get back to where I was last year and keep improving from there.

Well, I'm pretty sure this post went in a way different direction than I planned it would, but I'll try to quickly post some other lovely things so all of you reading can really enjoy perusing my blog again.

All Kinds of Random

I thought about doing this post a few days ago when I had all kinds of weird things going through my head and no one to share them with.  You know...  little tid-bits of information that didn't quite warrant their own blog post and definitely not a phone call to someone who might be kind enough to listen, yet (I almost typed "but yet" and remembered the Modern Family episode that referenced that redundant phrase).  As I was saying... yet all of the things I felt an urge to share were not the kind of thing I wanted to spout off about on Facebook either.

I've noticed a need I have to reach out through my status updates and my blog posts to connect to those around me.  I find joy in the moments my friends do the same thing and still completely roll my eyes at myself when I can count on both hands the number of times in one day that I think about how I might phrase my thoughts on Facebook to recount an experience or to ask an unimportant question.  Yeah, I'm pretty sure I shouldn't ever need more than one hand, or even one finger, to count the things I want to share via the internet in one day.

And now, I shall commence with my random thoughts of today.

Who invited the north wind to come blowing through town today?  I had my bedroom window open and stacks of folded clothes on the bed.  When I walked back into my bedroom it was freezing and there were a few things unfolded and off of their stacks.

I promised myself I wouldn't update my blog until I had done the bills.  Haha.  My last post was 10 days ago and the real reason I sat down at my desk was to do the bills.  But the blog screamed louder at me.  I'm gonna have to break down and do them soon though.

Speaking of bills, Colby and I are going to try a new budgeting technique.  We're gonna use cash only for a while and see if that does anything to our spending habits.  I've already noticed myself thinking of all kinds of nonsense I'd like to purchase, but I spent my month's spending money at a yard sale last Saturday.  :(  I did however stay $10 under our week's grocery limit.  Rollover $$$ is going to be fun.

I'm starting to feel kinda bad about myself now.  I just looked up from my desk and not only am I neglecting to do the bills, but my entire kitchen is in a strange state of chaos right now.  I gotta get it all taken care of ASAP because in just a couple of days the whole kitchen is going to be out of whack.  Why, you ask?

Because we're gonna do some remodeling.  I always hear about people doing big projects within their homes and now I've finally gotten brave enough to choose one for myself.  We're going to take out a portion of the wall that divides our family room from our kitchen.  I'm super stoked about it.  But if I don't have the kitchen spotless before then, we'll be in for a huge problem!

I've been on a real organizing kick lately.  I'm highly motivated to get my bathroom in perfect, organized, working order.  Next will come the closet.  I just need to cut some wood to make a shoe rack.  I moved my disgusting mass of cook books to a new location so I should use them more often.  I described them as disgusting because I have so many and never cook anything but what I can remember from the top of my head.

The St. George Parade of Homes is coming up and I'm so excited.  That is the one thing that keeps a smile on my face when Christmas comes to an end each year.  I know it is only a handful of weeks until I can go exploring 20-something homes of beauty and inspiration.  The Parade is actually Colby's motivation to get this wall done right away.  He told me, "I better take care of this before you change your mind when you see something else you'd just love to have."  Poor Colby.

OK.  It's time to get serious about my bills.  I just thought about how I also need to gather everything to get our taxes done and that can't happen until the rest of the $$$ business is taken care of.  Oh boy.

Maybe in a week or two, when I come up for air, I'll fill you in on some other matters that pop up in this head of mine.