I feel bad that this is what is breaking me out of my blogging rut. I'm about to unload weeks of blah blah blah in an effort to journal a little bit. I have plenty of regular blogging to get done... and I've tried a time or two from my phone but that just doesn't work for me. So now I'm resolved to get serious again before the craziness of spring hits which is always followed by a more hectic summer which then blends into the busy holidays and before you know it we're back to this tiny lull of the year.
Today I've been overwhelmed by introspection. Even though some of it may sound like I'm really down on myself, I promise that's not what is happening. I have just become extremely aware of this juggling act that we call motherhood.
I've never considered myself to be the prime example of motherhood, there is a list a mile long of things I could improve on, but I've always been fairly satisfied with my "performance" as a mother. --I almost chose a different word because I really hate when mommy-hood takes on the task of performing... doing all those things you want other moms to notice you doing... always having the right answers to every choice and situation that comes up... never to be caught in grubby clothes or without make up or with third day hair... and always within a few pounds of your high school weight.-- I was once able to keep every detail of life straight without a planner or countless notes around the kitchen. I just knew when I had appointments, commitments, special events at the kids' school and almost always knew what day of the week it was when I woke up. Notice I clarified with almost, we all have those pesky Thursdays that pop up out of nowhere. It was plain in my memory when Marshall was supposed to bring a snack to school or when he got to wear special clothes for certain events. I even was early to pick him up 95% of the time.
Well, the journey to finding balance has been quite a companion lately. One day last week I was so late to pick Marshall up that he was the last kid in class to go home. That's not the worst of it though. It seems like since Christmas, Tyler has been the last kid to leave school more often than not! What the heck?! I lost Ty's school calendar and now have no idea what silly things are going on to celebrate Dr. Seuss's birthday. Not like it would help though... Marshall came home with a note last Thursday telling about a fun thing he would have a chance to do the next day and sure enough, school on Friday was almost out when I remembered what he was supposed to take with him. Darn it! I felt like such a bad mommy.
But don't you worry, I haven't gotten too down on myself because for the first time in my life the baby stage actually feels natural to me. I can change a diaper on my lap, I can eat at the same time as holding a child, I was even feeding Macy while eating my dinner as I served the boys their food all at the same time as preparing to leave to my sewing class. Of course, that was all possible because of the world's best nursing cover I found on Pinterest. Anyway... I truly feel like I've got the hang of this baby stuff and that having another wouldn't be impossible for me someday. Balance is coming. But don't you worry... that all got pulled into check today as I was sitting with Tyler in the food court of Costco after having a "bad mom moment" in public, feeling slightly self conscious of all those watching around me, when I found myself dealing with a major poopy blowout that was all over Macy and myself. It was a humbling experience as I juggled all of the mess while trying to appear calm. And wouldn't you know it, I was halfway home when I realized I still had baby poop on my hand. Wow. I've got this mom thing in the bag! Not.
That's not what I want to remember about all of this though. What I want to remember is that I am good at some things and not so good at others. I have good days and bad days. There are times where I literally feel like I'm spiraling out of control and others where I feel like I am a living, breathing example of grace under fire. That I usually make it into Marshall's classroom once a week to be helpful and that there are also days I have to tell him for the umpteenth time that I'm sorry I can't make it at lunch time to be a helper because there is just no way I can that day. That Tyler plays the iPad way too much, but that I also let him choose pizza for lunch today and we went on our own little date to Costco and he even paid for the meal.
I'm learning how to do this Mom thing and I do my best to apologize to my kids when I goof. I want to be better and I have learned to say no a lot more than I used to. I'm getting there... balance is coming. And I also understand that balance will probably always be a little out of reach, but bottom line is my kids are pretty well taken care of. They don't go hungry, they have clothes on their back that are almost always clean, and they know they are loved. I still think this insanity is my dream job and I'm grateful for the hard stuff as much as I love the lovely stuff.