Epiphany

The other day I was lying in a yoga class enjoying a small moment of peace.  The instructor was giving us some words of encouragement because we had done some challenging things in class that day.  As she was talking she mentioned that "repetition builds stability" and it really spoke to me.  I had my eyes closed as I tried to really process the concept and tears started sneaking down my cheeks!!!  It was just what I had been needing to hear all week long.

The past week I had begun to feel the pressures of the world resting heavily on my shoulders.  This was the first time I had really felt like I could relate to this idea that many other women feel overwhelmed by.  You know... "I have to be pretty.  I have to be thin.  I have to be organized.  I have to be patient.  I have to be smart.  Blah, blah, blah."  It hit me when I was in the middle of a busy morning... the dishes weren't completely done, neither was the laundry, or any other household chore.  Everything was either started or at a tolerable point in the process for me to stop and go on with the next thing I needed to do.  (These kinds of tasks are always interrupted by the needs of one or all of my children and sometimes by other important things too.  I've had a lot of photography work the last few weeks so I was now juggling that as well.)  On this chaotic morning we were running behind in our morning routine because Macy was awake during the whole thing which is rare and just slowed us down a little bit.    I didn't get Marshall's lunch made but promised I would bring it when I came to help in his class.  As the kids are piling into the van I find that the battery was dead for one reason or another so I holler for everyone to jump out so we can climb into the truck.  Those added minutes were not what I was hoping for at this point in our routine, but what do you do?  As I grab the truck keys off the shelf I realize there's a good chance I'm going to have to check Marshall into school late and I was running around in my nightgown (granny style!).  I kind of take a couple steps toward the truck then a couple steps to the house, back and forth, debating whether I should run in and change my clothes or just get in the truck and hope we make it just in the nick of time.  I decided that Marshall would surely be late if I changed so we would chance it.  The truck is pretty tall so I find myself having to lift the boys in as plenty of cars are driving past my house catching me in such a glamorous moment still looking like a crazy old nightgown lady.  Oh well.  Thankfully, we made it to school in time for Marshall to jump out and get into school before he was "late."  Phew!  But this was all just a little more chaotic than a normal morning.  On top of all this, I'm pretty sure Tyler was in a mood, but I can't remember specifics anymore.  All I remember is it wasn't even 9 in the morning and I wanted to crawl back in bed and just wake up the next day ready to be kind and patient and in control of life a little better.

My awareness of being overwhelmed really hit me about an hour later when I was at least ten minutes late to help in Marshall's class (exactly after realizing I had forgotten Marshall's lunch on the kitchen table).  As I drove I thought to myself, "I can help in my kids' school.  I can make sure my kids feel loved.  I can blog and catch up on my blog, so our life can be journaled.  I can show my YW they are important to me by being there and fulfilling my calling.  I can spend time with my husband.  I can cook meals from scratch.  I can have the kitchen, and family room, and bathrooms cleaned.  I can visit and help my neighbors that are in need.  I can wash and fold the laundry in an reasonable time frame.  I can be healthy.  I can exercise.  I can get back to my pre-baby weight.  I can improve my skills in the garden.  I can earn a little extra money by building my photography business.  I can help my clients feel beautiful and important.  I can impress them by completing their sessions much faster than I promised.  I can read and become more enlightened.  I can listen to the talks from General Conference another time to glean more from the words of God's servants.  I could do 1,000 other things that I do regularly on a daily basis.  But I cannot do it all right now.  I'm drowning in my "have to do's" and losing my mind from lack of "like to do's" and I need to slow down and prioritize."  It was helpful to acknowledge I don't have to do it all, but almost paralyzing to realize the daily routine of things I need to accomplish just to exist in peace in my home... the things the I do over and over and over again... were inching their way closer and closer to suffocating me emotionally.

And this is why I was crying in yoga.

It became so vibrantly clear that by washing those dishes every day, by keeping up with the laundry, and making beds, and scrubbing toilets, and giving haircuts, and all those other chores I do again and again, I was creating a feeling of stability for my children, my husband, and myself.  I was creating a sanctuary from the world within our home and I would be able to feel the peace inside myself that I felt was being swallowed up by these very tasks.  I resolved right then to find joy in these chores and allow the repetition to build stability.  Peace.  Joy.

I made this resolution on Friday and pretty much abandoned all of my duties in order to celebrate Marshall's birthday, shoot a wedding, and fulfill my church calling, but I figure the repetition of picking up the pieces and starting over is going to be good for me too.  So here's to doing a little better.

The Fancy Parts of Easter 2013

Here we are seconds before church.  Macy was so so tired so she wouldn't move a muscle in her face.  Marshall is going through "the phase" that all kids get to where they think way too much about what their face looks like when they smile.  Tyler didn't want to wear this suit but started catching on to how cool it was.  

I'm gonna dig out the picture of Colby in this same suit so I can dedicate a post to the work of art all it's own.  This is the coolest kind of hand me down.

Macy and Daddy.

Now prepare yourselves for the many faces of Macy.  I saved my very favorite picture of her for last.

Our pretty little girl.

So grateful our Savior made it possible to return to him and our Father, in a perfect resurrected body and have the chance to be all together as an eternal family.

Macy Lately

Not sure what got into this little princess while I was taking her picture on Easter, but right now she is being as cute as can be.  I'll post some more cute pictures from that session soon.  She's currently chatting with her butterfly teething toy... going on and on... hamming it up with a forced giggle here and there.  She's totally distracting me from what I am trying to accomplish on the computer.  She's pretty much always distracting me from whatever it is I'm trying to do.   I let her though, because she'll only be little for a millisecond and I can't get enough!

She's a week shy of 5 months old now and wears mostly 9-12 month clothes.  She rolls over like a champ, onto her belly and back, but only to the right though.  It totally made me think of Zoolander the other day and I laughed about it for a while.  She is sweet and friendly... always has a smile ready for whoever will give her a little attention.  She likes to be outside and especially loves to watch Daddy mow the lawn.  She's been sleeping at least 8 hrs straight at night since she was 6 weeks old and will generally sleep from 9 pm until 8:15 am when I grab her out of bed to take Marshall to school.  She's gone along with me for a few runs lately and seems to mostly enjoy her time in the stroller as long as she can see what's going on- having the seat totally reclined back is a major no no.  I think it's safe to say Marshall is her favorite person in the world closely followed by Tyler, Daddy, and Mommy.  She doesn't mind wearing headbands and hats, and I hope she doesn't decide to pull them off any time soon.  She very rarely cries but has figured out how to get exactly what she wants by pulling the saddest face and belting out that cry for all it's worth.  That really only happens when you wipe her nose or walk away from her while she wants to play.  I have probably a hundred pictures of her sucking on her fingers... that's her favorite thing ever.  I'll have to blog a few of them sometime soon.  Usually it's the middle and ring finger of her right hand, but if she can get anyone else's fingers then she will grab them and pull them right to her mouth to bite and bite and bite.  Pretty sure she's teething... and has been for at least a month.

We love her sweetness and her chubby rolls.  

I can't get enough of her squishiness and love to just sit and pinch her and watch her smile from all the attention.

The Lorax

 One of the days during Dr. Seuss week at school, Marshall had the chance to dress up like his favorite Dr. Seuss character.  He was also allowed to "Seuss up" (make up) his own if he wanted.  At first that's what he wanted to do, but it was going to be quite the ordeal so I jumped on the internet to find some inspiration.  I came across a great tutorial on Pinterest, got Marshall on board with the idea, and went to work.  I had the kids jump in the car so we could head to WalMart (at dinner time) to get a couple essentials, and wouldn't you know it, they had nothing I needed.  Because we were halfway to Joann's at that point, we kept going and prayed we wouldn't need the diaper bag because I had left it at home.  We got our stuff, got home, had dinner and I went to work.  I made this whole thing without a pattern, just kind of holding it up to him and cutting and sewing away.  I was so proud of myself!!!  I even put long sleeves on it rather than having a mismatched long sleeved shirt coming out of the "tunic" that was made in the tutorial.  I shouldn't be going on and on about my skills, but really... I was shocked and so happy.  The sewing class I took just recently paid off like crazy.  But back to Marshall...

Is he not the cutest little Lorax there ever was?  He got all kinds of compliments on his get up.  Before we got to school I asked him if he thought there might be other Loraxes at school and he said, "Probably.  But I think I will be the best one."  I sure love this kid's confidence.  And pretty much everything else about him.  His outfit was such a hit with his teacher she told him he would have to wear it on Earth Day since the Lorax speaks for the trees.

Colby turned 30.

Disclaimer:  I feel like a total jerk that Colby didn't get blogged about on his birthday.  I'm getting this done almost two weeks later.  Eeek!

This year was a big one.  Colby is now 30!  Even though he has a few more wrinkles and a considerably larger amount of chest hair than when we got married, I can't think of a more fantastic, rugged, handsome fellow I'd like to be married to.  He can make me laugh more than anyone in the world and makes my heart nearly burst when I think of all he does for us.  And on top of that, he gave me my adorable kiddos that make my life so rich!  Love you babe.

Wow, these pictures are grainy... but that's what happens when you don't take pictures of/with the birthday boy until the sun goes down.

To celebrate his big day we met up with our long lost pals, the Davis', and ate at Anasazi Steakhouse.  Colby and I love some good food and love trying new places, but whenever he hears me say "this place sounds so good" he gets a little nervous because I really like some weird stuff.  He was a tiny bit skeptical that I made reservations for a place he knew nothing about, but I think it worked out ok.  You really can't go wrong throwing a huge piece of meat in front of that guy.  I think it's safe to say it was the best steak I've ever had and definitely the best steak in St. George.  We might just head back for other special occasion.  I'm thinking we each get a different type of cheese fondue... one monster steak to share... and some dessert fondue!  Or two of those even.  Mmmm...

Colby, I love you.  I'm so grateful for all you do for me and the kiddos.  You're the best!  

Hope the next 30 keep getting better and better.

Ups & Downs

I'm pretty sure Pandora loves me.  Alanis Morissette's "Hands Clean",  Matchbox 20's "Push",  Tal Bachman's "She's So High", & Counting Crows' "Mr. Jones" played right in a row just now.  That was a fun little brain vacation.

Bringing me back to reality was the moment my greatest fear just became clear in my mind.  We may be done having babies by the time I have a sink in my laundry room.  I'm a little sad at the moment.  Silver lining: the bathroom and laundry room aren't more than ten steps away from each other.

P.S.  I'm fairly confident there is not a diaper in the world that can contain Macy's poop.  I'm also fairly certain that trait comes from her father.

Balance.

I feel bad that this is what is breaking me out of my blogging rut.  I'm about to unload weeks of blah blah blah in an effort to journal a little bit.  I have plenty of regular blogging to get done... and I've tried a time or two from my phone but that just doesn't work for me.  So now I'm resolved to get serious again before the craziness of spring hits which is always followed by a more hectic summer which then blends into the busy holidays and before you know it we're back to this tiny lull of the year.

Today I've been overwhelmed by introspection.  Even though some of it may sound like I'm really down on myself, I promise that's not what is happening.  I have just become extremely aware of this juggling act that we call motherhood.

I've never considered myself to be the prime example of motherhood, there is a list a mile long of things I could improve on, but I've always been fairly satisfied with my "performance" as a mother.  --I almost chose a different word because I really hate when mommy-hood takes on the task of performing... doing all those things you want other moms to notice you doing... always having the right answers to every choice and situation that comes up... never to be caught in grubby clothes or without make up or with third day hair... and always within a few pounds of your high school weight.--  I was once able to keep every detail of life straight without a planner or countless notes around the kitchen.  I just knew when I had appointments, commitments, special events at the kids' school and almost always knew what day of the week it was when I woke up.  Notice I clarified with almost, we all have those pesky Thursdays that pop up out of nowhere.  It was plain in my memory when Marshall was supposed to bring a snack to school or when he got to wear special clothes for certain events.  I even was early to pick him up 95% of the time.

Well, the journey to finding balance has been quite a companion lately.  One day last week I was so late to pick Marshall up that he was the last kid in class to go home.  That's not the worst of it though.  It seems like since Christmas, Tyler has been the last kid to leave school more often than not!  What the heck?!  I lost Ty's school calendar and now have no idea what silly things are going on to celebrate Dr. Seuss's birthday.  Not like it would help though... Marshall came home with a note last Thursday telling about a fun thing he would have a chance to do the next day and sure enough, school on Friday was almost out when I remembered what he was supposed to take with him.  Darn it!  I felt like such a bad mommy.

But don't you worry, I haven't gotten too down on myself because for the first time in my life the baby stage actually feels natural to me.  I can change a diaper on my lap, I can eat at the same time as holding a child, I was even feeding Macy while eating my dinner as I served the boys their food all at the same time as preparing to leave to my sewing class.  Of course, that was all possible because of the world's best nursing cover I found on Pinterest.  Anyway... I truly feel like I've got the hang of this baby stuff and that having another wouldn't be impossible for me someday.  Balance is coming.  But don't you worry... that all got pulled into check today as I was sitting with Tyler in the food court of Costco after having a "bad mom moment" in public, feeling slightly self conscious of all those watching around me, when I found myself dealing with a major poopy blowout that was all over Macy and myself.  It was a humbling experience as I juggled all of the mess while trying to appear calm.  And wouldn't you know it, I was halfway home when I realized I still had baby poop on my hand.  Wow.  I've got this mom thing in the bag!  Not.

That's not what I want to remember about all of this though.  What I want to remember is that I am good at some things and not so good at others.  I have good days and bad days.  There are times where I literally feel like I'm spiraling out of control and others where I feel like I am a living, breathing example of grace under fire.  That I usually make it into Marshall's classroom once a week to be helpful and that there are also days I have to tell him for the umpteenth time that I'm sorry I can't make it at lunch time to be a helper because there is just no way I can that day.  That Tyler plays the iPad way too much, but that I also let him choose pizza for lunch today and we went on our own little date to Costco and he even paid for the meal.

I'm learning how to do this Mom thing and I do my best to apologize to my kids when I goof.  I want to be better and I have learned to say no a lot more than I used to.  I'm getting there... balance is coming.  And I also understand that balance will probably always be a little out of reach, but bottom line is my kids are pretty well taken care of.  They don't go hungry, they have clothes on their back that are almost always clean, and they know they are loved.  I still think this insanity is my dream job and I'm grateful for the hard stuff as much as I love the lovely stuff.